


five things (when it all falls apart)

by cafedisco (702reid)



Category: The Office (US)
Genre: :) we love to see it!, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, dwight has like. one line lmao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-15
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:21:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26472538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/702reid/pseuds/cafedisco
Summary: ryan freaks out; jim is there to help.
Relationships: Jim Halpert/Ryan Howard
Comments: 2
Kudos: 53





	five things (when it all falls apart)

**Author's Note:**

> (based on s8 ep17, test the store. for all intents and purposes of this fic, jim and pam are not together)
> 
> me about to write/post another fic: (laces up clown shoes) .... I GUESS I WRITE OFFICE FIC NOW????? LMAOOO idk i luv ryan/jim sm and i rewatched this episode last week and then i wrote this jawn :-)

ryan thinks he's having a panic attack.

no, he knows he is. and he's not sure if he can do this, and his throat is starting to feel like it's closing up as the seconds continue to pass.

he had long since tuned dwight's rambling out, and all dwight's trying to do is _help him_ , really, and ryan knows this. he does. he feels guilty.

he struggles to catch his breath and wishes this wasn't happening right here, right _now_ in front of dwight and jim. it's _embarrassing_ , for fuck's sake, having a panic attack in the sabre store’s shitty break room while his coworkers watched it all unfold. watched him unravel.

(and the worst part is, there's nothing ryan can do to make it stop.)

he also finds himself wishing he could be more like jim - everybody likes jim (especially ryan. ryan likes jim a lot). jim's probably never panicked like this because of a stupid presentation; hell, jim could do this in his s _leep._

ryan chews on his lip until he's able to taste blood on his tongue - it's faint, but it lingers. always does. hot tears gather behind his eyes, heavy, and ryan thinks the fact that he's about to _cry_ makes this even more embarrassing. he wants to turn around and run for the hills, get the hell out of here, but it's almost like he's frozen in place.

the room falls silent - ryan's looking down at his shoes, vision slightly blurring, but if he were to look up he knows it’d be to both jim and dwight staring at him.

"i can't do this," ryan eventually mumbles. he shakes his head, not daring to lift his eyes from where they're fixed on the ground. a tear that he doesn't bother wiping away splatters onto his hand. "i can't, i can't - i'm gonna fuck up, i can't _do_ this—"

"hey, dwight? do you mind...?" jim says, his voice a low whisper. dwight doesn’t dare argue with him, thank god, and ryan hears the door close soon after, and - "ry? can you do something for me?"

ryan weakly nods.

"the couch is right over here," jim's words are hushed, barely louder than they were when he'd asked dwight to leave. he rests a hand on ryan's back. "can you sit down?"

ryan does.

"alright, this is something that always helps me. it's gonna sound a little silly, but i need you to put your head between your knees, okay? do you think you can do that?"

being around jim has always made ryan feel so... _safe_ , he realizes. _comfortable_. even now, in the middle of one of the worst panic attacks ryan’s had in a while. so it's no surprise when he instantly leans forward, placing his head between his knees just like jim had asked him to. it doesn't feel silly. it hadn't sounded silly, either; ryan would trust jim with his life.

"there, yeah, that's great, ry," and ryan can practically _hear_ the smile that's on jim's face. his chest aches at the thought. "let's take a few deep breaths together and then i need you to look around and tell me five things that you can see."

ryan sucks in a shaky breath; jim does too, and he counts them out loud. ryan manages to take another one, and then one more after that, and suddenly he stops short because he's starting to get a little nauseous. "uh, the door, my shoes, you, my drink, the trash can."

"good," jim smiles at him, slightly crooked and - and _beautiful, so beautiful_ , and ryan can feel his heartbeat speeding up again. "okay, now four things you can touch."

ryan blinks. "my hair... um, my shirt, the wall, the couch."

jim's still got that same smile on his face. "three things you can hear?"

"nellie's loud ass voice," ryan blurts - it's the first thing that comes to mind. she’d always talked _unnecessarily_ loud. maybe it’s a british thing. she's standing outside the break room with dwight but she might as well be right next to them, and it earns a laugh from jim. "everyone waiting outside, and... my phone buzzing."

(he tries his best to _not_ think about the crowd that's gathered outside for the big store launch. the big, hyped-up presentation that ryan's gonna mess up because _he can't do this, he never could, why did he-_ )

"hey, almost done, i promise," jim says. "two things you can smell?"

ryan thinks he might puke - he bites down hard on his lip to ease the feeling. "laundry detergent, and-" he pauses. he has to. "and my cologne, i guess."

"you're doing _great._ one thing you can taste, and then we're done."

"blood," ryan answers immediately. he exhales.

jim crouches down, kneeling on the floor next to where ryan's sitting. there's a small frown on his lips. "blood?"

"um," ryan brings a hand up to his lower lip. when he pulls it away, bright red blood dots his fingertips. he shrugs, hoping he sounds casual enough for jim to not worry when he says, "yeah, i bit my lip, no biggie."

"shit, ry," jim stands up and then takes a seat next to ryan on the couch, placing an arm around ryan’s shoulders. he’s holding ryan so close now it hurts, and all ryan can think is _holy shit, holy shit, holy shit_. "hey, i know you can do this. you're gonna go out there and give the best damn presentation anyone's ever seen."

ryan shakes his head, mumbles into the scratchy fabric of jim's dress shirt, "i'm gonna mess up."

"don't," jim gently lifts ryan's chin. his eyes meet jim's. they're only centimeters apart (ryan is suddenly _very_ aware of that fact), and for a moment ryan almost forgets about the presentation entirely, "don't think like that."

something in him breaks when jim ruffles his hair. ryan thinks it's 'cause jim's looking at him like - _like he believes in him._ like ryan won’t let him down ( _he will, he knows he will-_ ), and it makes everything seem so much worse. too much pressure.

ryan's never been one for pressure.

(he always just. _broke._ when it built up. it always became too much for him, too fast.)

"jim, please, i can't do this, can you- can you do the presentation for me?"

he whispers that last part. ducks his head. presses his face into jim's shoulder to hide the tears in his eyes and the slight flush on his cheeks.

_god_ , he's an idiot.

he misses the good old days back in new york, right after he'd landed his cushy job at corporate; back when he always felt so... on top of the world. back then he could've done anything. he could talk to people all night long without missing a beat. stand up in front of crowds like the one currently waiting outside without his stomach turning. he was confident - _charming,_ even. people seemed to like him, to like being around him.

ryan doesn't know what had happened between then and now, how he ended up here.

(or, actually, ryan thinks - he does. he knows what happened: he was on drugs for the better half of that year. too coked out to worry himself sick like he is now.)

"hey, hey," jim's voice pulls ryan from his thoughts and right back to the lackluster break room. ryan’s got on a long sleeved-shirt but the air conditioning feels a touch too cold all of a sudden. "hey, shh, you’re okay, ry. just take it easy, try not to cry, okay? your eyeliner’s gonna run and _that_ would be a shame."

jim tacks a wink onto that and for the first time this afternoon, ryan smiles. jim does, too, as he carefully thumbs away the tears that’d run down ryan's cheeks and ryan thinks to himself, _i think i love you._

ryan watches jim lick his lips. there's a pause and it seems like it lasts forever and then jim offers, "i'll do the presentation for you."

"you—?”

before ryan can finish, he's interrupted by someone knocking - _pounding_ , more like - on the door.

_dwight_.

he can hear nellie somewhere in the background.

"what are you two _doing_ in there?" dwight yells, frantic.

ryan swallows. his eyes dart from the door up to the ceiling, then over to jim. and before he can overthink it, he says, "no, it's okay, i'll do it. i can do it."

the smile on jim's face is more than enough to light the dull room, and even in his wildest dreams ryan never thought jim would _ever_ look at him like this, but he is and ryan thinks he loves him.

(no; he knows it. he’s sure of it.)

jim pulls ryan into a rib-crushing hug. "knew you could, ry."

ryan's hands are shaking and his heart might just end up beating out of his chest. he stares at the very top button of jim's shirt (he’d left it unbuttoned and it was driving ryan _crazy,_ making his head spin) as he says, quiet enough for only the two of them to hear, "earlier you said that the whole... five things exercise always helped you, and it - it really helped me. thank you."

"you don’t need to thank me, silly,“ jim says, lightly shoves ryan’s shoulder. ryan chuckles. "oh, and - ryan?"

ryan looks up, and jim -

jim _kisses_ him. jim halpert is kissing him, kissing the blood from his mouth, and ryan lets his eyes close. lets himself relax into it. jim’s hand is hot against the back of his neck and the break room is still a touch too cold from the air conditioning, even in his long sleeves, but ryan’s finally letting himself relax. fully. completely. it’s easier than he thought it would be.

“jim—" he begins, breathless after jim eventually pulls away. he stops there, allowing his sentence to trail off because he isn’t quite sure how he wants to finish it - or maybe he doesn’t want to. maybe that’s all he needs to say, because maybe jim gets it.

the corners of jim’s mouth kick up into a smile. “hey. good luck.”

**Author's Note:**

> literally hate the title but its all i could think of


End file.
